Rare's Movie Thoughts of 2012

Welcome back. Since Christmas has past and all the holiday festive jollies are out of every one's system, I thought I give my year end review on what movies to check out and which ones to avoid. They are most likely already on DVD, available for streaming or hasn't been released yet. Check your local movie info sites such as IMDB or Wikipedia, Movies.com or Coming Soon.net to see more.

First up, The Secret World of Arrietty. I admit this was the first Studio Ghibli film I have seen in a long time. The last couple I saw were My Neighbor Totoro and Kiki's Delivery Service as a kid. Then again I was not in the right mindset to watch them when I was a kid. I saw this with a friend for my birthday before things went sour. It wasn't any fault at all, just something that happened. Wish I can say I forgive them, but better to let them come back when their ready. Anyway, Arrietty was a pleasant film that hit all the right buttons. The animation was nice, the voice acting was good, and the story, albeit inspired by the Borrowers felt original. Plus Arrietty was voiced by Amy Pohler who I have some respect for being an ex SNL writer. Sure it might have ended on a bit of a downer, but at least it was good enough that the boy would go on to a full recover. At least I hope. The Secret World of Arrietty is available on bluray and DVD..

Marvel's Avengers Assemble - The much beloved film of 2012 and the one that made the most. I went in with not much to expect. I know people are going to hate me for saying this, but I just thought it was OK. Not bad mind you and not Peerless, but OK. I think it's probably because the story spent too much time on Robert Downey Jr. and his smart ass role as Tony Stark. In fact with the 3/4 of it being an all-out action fest that's what most of the interaction with the characters felt like: Nick Fury explains the dilemma, the rest speak, Tony has a quip here and there and then ass kicking time. Maybe it's just me, but Tony Stark reminds me a bit too much like myself. I did laugh at the Hulk's retort to Loki. But honestly the fan crossovers are the aftermath in which I don't want any part of. I guess that makes up for the quickie review I did for this movie. The Avengers are out now on all platforms.

Battleship - OK, I admit it. I did not see Battleship, but do I really need a reason to? My review should tell you all there is to know about it. Dare I even make a comparison to what I thought of Infinite Stratos? Like that show, this movie is shit. There I said it, now go watch the asylum film!

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter - Well what did you expect the Spanish Inquisition? It's Lincoln versus vampires and it kinda works despite the stupid premise. I would think such a parody of this and Pride and Prejudice with Zombies are within a subgenre of novels where they take an existing literature classic and put their spin on it. In that case, I eagerly await for Great Expectations with robot monkies in it. Wait, that happened? Oh yeah. It's out on DVD.

Brave - Again, I didn't see it until a couple of weeks ago, but it doesn't matter. Merida is a rebellious princess bride-to-be and in the far off wondrous land of... wherever the hell this Scottish land is, as her father and mother sets up a tournament to see which man would be the chosen one to take Merida's hand in marriage. Too bad Merida won the damn thing and pissed her mom off. Soon she comes across a witch's hut and is given a potion to turn her mom into a different creature. Her mom then turns into a bear. Ok? Soon, it's a race against the daylight as Merida tries to find a cure for her unbearable curse as a bear. Man, Merida is kind of a bitch. You seriously think a princess like that would sell well among the Disney Princess lineup that is there just for show? I think not. The movie was ok. It did have some nice backgrounds and the mother getting along with her daughter is a nice touch. but Pixar try a little harder next time huh? This isn't Mother Bear you know! Brave is out on DVD.

The Dark Knight Rises - It was alright. It didn't have the same punch as the Dark Knight did, but it was OK. Yes I may be a sucker for violence and I did feel that this needed more spice in it's violence, but that's just me. Bane wasn't as menacing as say the Joker was. Joker was in it for the chaos while Bane was in it for new order and anarchy (irony alert). I didn't feel the same for the citizens who at that point should have rose up against Bane's tyranny, and that mask makes you sound like Sean Connery! It was unfortunate that this movie premiered at the same time some a-hole went in and caused chaos in a theater the exact same time the movie was playing. Whoever that guy is, wherever that guy is, someone needs to wipe that smug smile off his face and cut his ginger hair off! (with apology to all gingers who read this) The Dark Knight Rises is available on all platforms (bluray, DVD, ultraviolet, digital and 3D.)

Paranorman - One of the most surprising and great movies I've seen in a while. Not only was it a breath of fresh air to see a stop motion film outside of Coraline, but a rather dark one too. Norman is a boy who has the ability to see ghosts. When he learns of a curse on the town he lives in it's up to him to stop it. However, he brings along his shallow cheerleader sister Courtney, his surprisingly (perverted) fat schoolmate Neil, his Jockey and ambiguously something brother Mitch who Courtney tries to hit on, some idiot savant Casanova wannabe bully Alvin, and the book that his uncle the crazy late Prenderghast had. Turns out the book was just a storybook and Norman had to read the "incantation" (read: fairytale) to the witch's curse. It wasn't until the 3rd act where things got intense with the witch who turns out to be a little girl. It was probably her ghost form or as I will call her Shadow Aggie that made it pretty dark. I know she isn't a Shadow nor does she have a Persona, but damn it it should count! Sure it may have had a strange message about bullying, but I didn't mind. Plus the reveal at the end will have you laugh at least once. (Mitch is gay) At least I did. Oh and could someone tell John Goodman and Alex Borstein to not eat all of the curtains next time they act. I swear you actors have to eat everything when you make a scene. Paranorman is available on all platforms (bluray, DVD, 3D, Ultraviolet) Oh and if you are wondering what ultraviolet is, it's the digital format. Pretty much I buy a copy of it and play it on my old ipod.

Looper - Set in the future where sliders become criminals and Joseph Gordon Levitt is a slider killer, he finds out that something bad will happen in the future that will change if he influences someone in the past not to turn bad. Too bad Bruce Willis is willing to kill the bad person who he won't exist in the future. I wasn't a fan of time traveling movies and InFamous left a bad taste in my mouth for them. However, Looper was a surprise for me. Yes it was difficult to keep track of everything until Bruce Willis came out with a shotgun and went to town. I need not say anymore. Looper is available on all platforms.

Hotel Transylvania - Genndy Tartakovsky is a prolific animator and sort of an Ensemble Darkhorse when it comes to animation. Samurai Jack was a great piece that needn't any dialogue to tell a story, Dexter's Lab,  Star Wars the Clone Wars which if you still love Star Wars you'll like this; and Symbiotic Titan which had a fantastic first season but was cut short due to no to poor toy sales has seen a rise in recent cult classic status. Now in his first debut as a director is Hotel Transylvania. Dracula has a hotel for monsters, and his daughter just turned 118 (She's legal guys). Mavis wants to explore the world now that she is of age, but Dracula says no because humans might be evil. Cue the only idiot human traveler to stumble upon the titular hotel Jonathan who becomes bat crazy over Mavis. So Dracula tries to make him into a Frankenstein's Monster which should have fooled Franky. This movie has a lot of bite in it's comedy. And no, it's not because it has Adam Sandler in it, but you really can't notice him. It does have Fran Drescher which you can notice right away (am I right fellas?) Also, the animation is smooth, slick, and downright gorgeous. I was glad to see this movie with a friend because going alone to see an Adam Sandler movie would have been awkward. Either that or go see the Oogieloves. Hotel Translvania will be available on bluray and DVD on January 29th. I know you want to see it in 3D, but 2D is much better, honest. Oh, and buy the artbook. It's pretty damn good.

Ted - Now this is your curve ball here since I didn't see it last year, but rather a few days ago. It was sweet, but has inconsistent mood swings. John receives an adorable teddie bear as a kid and makes a wish for it to talk. It freaks out his parents, but it talks. Decades later at 35 John and Ted are washed up pot smoking lewd immature slackers who like doing the same stuff over and over. John's girlfriend Lori might think that Ted is a bad influence on John and Ted thinks she will come between their relationship. He's right, you know. This movie has a lot of heart and plenty of spice in the comedy. The only problem I see is not the fact that Ted is played by Seth MacFarlane who sounds like Peter Griffin, but the fact that Ted is played by Seth MacFarlane who sounds like Peter Griffin. But then again it's his film and if you like 1980 references fly over your head and the fact that they got Flash Gordon to make a story relevant cameo is nothing short of hilarious, oh and Ted and John get shitfaced with him. And Tom Skerrit. Look him up I don't know. Ted is available on DVD and other platforms. I'd pick it up.

Frankenweenie - If there is a word that best describes this movie's production history it would be Irony. Why? Because this movie was what got Burton fired from Disney back in the 80s for being too dark and too macabre. Cue to decades later where he tries again and they said OK. Rounding out the animation tri-fecta is Frankenweenie which was a nice noir stop motion homage to horror movies in the 1950s. From Sparky the lovable dog who is brought back to life after getting hit by a car, to the Mummy, to even Gamera for some reason. It kinda ends without any resolution, but then again Burton wasn't that great with endings (Corpse Bride). I still had a great time and it's nice to see something good out of Burton unlike those other, movies, he, did. Frankenweenie is available on DVD.

Lincoln - ZZZ... Huh what? Oh yeah 13th amendment passing. Well that was boring. I thought it was OK, but truth be told history is not my best subject. I only saw this with my dad and brother and I appropriately crashed due to eating too many orange tic tacs (my "drug" if you will) and not because the movie was funny in small parts and with it's "liberal" tone. Lincoln is up for an Oscar and will probably see a DVD release soon.

Wreck-It-Ralph - "I'm gonna wreck it!" Set in the video game world, Ralph is a villain of the Donkey Kong expy game Fix it Felix who can't catch a break. He's getting sick of being treated like shit by the Nicelanders. So Ralph sets out to find a medal so that he can prove to them that he can be a hero. However, Ralph's face turn and "going turbo" leaves the arcade in havoc as Ralph ends up in Sugar Rush, a new racing game where he meets Vanellope von Schweetz. Like Ralph, she suffers from being the odd racer out as the other racers and King Candy leave her out because of her ability to glitch. Soon Ralph and Vanellope find themselves in a convoluted mess involving the Cybugs from Sergeant Calhoun's game and Fixit Felix jr. returning Wreck it Ralph from Sugar Rush to prevent a horrible thing that happened in the past and "Going Turbo". First off, Sugar Rush, Strawberry Shortcake called. She wants her world back! Second, this was pretty good. It supposedly uses video game characters to lure in unsuspected parents and kids thinking that Disney made a movie with video game characters that they know and love. Naive perhaps, but sadly they are there as a marketing ploy. Sonic is there yeah, but he's not there for the story. Neff from Altered Beast? Nope, he's there on the movie poster because... I have no idea. Mario? Not even in it! Yuni from Dance Dance Revolution? how much did Konami shill for her cameo again? This is supposedly Ralph's story, but it turns into Sugar Rush which it was originally supposed to be. In fact in Japan the movie was called Sugar Rush. Why else did they use AKB48 for the theme song? All nitpicking aside this was a fun movie to see with a group who grew up with you during that childish time of video games. Some may hate Sarah Silverman for her nasally voice, but if you spend 1 1/2 of listening to Fran Drescher and her voice, maybe you'd reconsider. Wreck-It-Ralph is still highly recommended and there's plenty to fun for everyone...if you are of the gamer type. Wreck-It-Ralph will be released on March 5th on all available formats. Definitely pick this one up.

Breaking Dawn Part II - Let's not mince words here, this is a piece of shit and is popular for all the wrong reasons. Now that that's out of the way: Hey guys, how was that epic fight with the werewolves and vampires and...oh wait! It didn't happen! Honestly, I don't give a crap about Twilight. I don't care for the fans it's garnered. I care not for thy loyalty towards thine foul curse bearing beast. Twilight is a terrible terrible story and those are horrendous movies. No matter how much you say to me that the fight in Breaking Dawn Part II is worth it, or the Rifftrax enhances the movie, you are just in denial. And to my brother who bought Breaking Dawn Part I for his girlfriend out of spite of what I said: If you ever do that shit again, I swear I will punch you, and break your DVD. You can obviously tell I didn't see it and the fact that I just spoiled the movie. It shouldn't matter really. Twilight is a blight on cinema and standards are so below the bar that I worry about the fall of man. If my girlfriend tells me she wants me to take her to see it, it's the equivalent to a Dear John letter. Breaking Dawn Part II will be out on DVD eventually, but don't get it. It's not worth it. If you have a bonfire on a beach and you want to burn something, take any Twilight merchandise you find and set it asunder! The world needs less literature pollution such as this and add 50 Shades of Grey while you're at it. Nothing worse than a horrible book than fanfiction of a horrible book. That and it's pretty much porn. Get 50,000 Shades of Grey by Mr. Stuart Ashens instead. It's better.

And those are my thoughts on the movies of 2012. There was more mediocre than good and the good were outlandishly overshadowed by the bad. Here's to 2013. Let's hope it doesn't turn into Line Simulator the year. (FFXIII joke, people hate it)